Chapter 212
I was so jealous of Rya when she came back that all I thought about was killing her. How could I compete with her? I didn’t think a wolf could be that beaurdul. The way she looked, ber hair „but her eyes. Her fucking eyes were the blessing from the Moon herself. How could I compete with a wolf who was given the Moon’s blessing? I thought killing her would give me everything I wanted. How does love turn you into a monster? 1 justified it to myself. Killing her, killing you, would lat Clayton and me be together forever. So I thought I felt Clayton shipping further from me. I felt it: 1 knew it a little before Rya came back. But when she came back. I knew we were slipping further apart. It was a matter of time, and I couldn’t let go of him. I couldn’t even imagine my life without him in it. []
Clayton and I were lying in bed the night she came home. I was curled into his body, and I asked him if he thought Rya was beautiful. He didn’t answer me for a few minutes. I knew deep down before he said a word that I was in trouble. He didn’t lie to me, he found her very attractive. He said the wow a beautiful wolf, but it wasn’t her that he loved, it was me. That night we made love, slow love, the kind that you remember long after it’s over in felt like goodbye.
You and I have never made love, and I’m afraid we never will now.
I asked you a few days ago what you thought of me, if you thought I was pretty. You told me I was the prettiest thing you ever saw. Ever. Then you opened your mouth back up and also told me looks are deceiving, and on the inside. I had an ugliness that made you turn into your own ugliness.]
I’m afraid to look in the mirror anymore. I don’t want to see what’s inside of me. I fear it.
Isee you. Cash. I see the inside of you and I think there is an ugliness, and underneath that, there is a beauty that I never allowed myself to see.
Naked and bare, his open eyes look directly into mine.
“Why do I always find myself here?” The past de focuses the pierce of his blue eyes. It’s never out of his head. Never. We almost always end up here, sitting in front of this house that isn’t standing anymore. Sometimes he tries in push the tears away, other times he lets the tears push out.
can see her. If I close my eyes, I can see it all.”
Apause she loved that house. Even to the end, she loved that house.” Raw words in
from a tightening voice.
“Kennedy loved him right to the end. Deep down she couldn’t stop loving Clayton, and here I am unable to stop coming back to him.” He exhales have to stop this.” My reply is unspeakable bebind a wall of teeth.
“How do I stop?” A rebellious tear wants to squeeze from the side of my eye. I fight the need to cry for him. He doesn’t need my tears. He needs someone to listen to him when he decides to talk about Kennedy, about letting her go so he can let himself go
“You have this way of seeing through me. You see right through me. Like now. like the first night I met you. You had this look on your face that you knew exactly who I was. It scared the crap out of me. Did you know that I shake my head no
He sighs, and I try not to squirm because he’s now scratching blunt nails down the skin of my thigh
“Sometimes I feel like I could tell you anything, and I want you to know you can tell me
ie anything, too. I won’t judge you like you ever judge me, no matter how bad 1 get.” He looks at me as if reading every single facial feature I have
I wish I knew what you were thinking. Theres more to you than this. I know it. When he says these kinds of things, it makes me feel that someone understands me it makes me feel free to look around at the world or look at him. It’s hard to look at males. but Cassius has this way of making things easy to look at. Like the time he took me to my first barbecue at Caleb’s place. Belac left, and I just started to sleep under Cassius’s bed. I didn’t want to go. I hate crowds and the noise 1 didn’t want to pee my pants again in front of people. Ir samdurrassing even then no one makes a big deal about it. It’s a big deal to me. He let me scrunch his shirt in my hands the entire time. We sat there, and he talked to me the entire time about really nothing, but he talked and listened. He didn’t like talking to the wolves, either. He gave them tome grand shower, but he didnt want to socialist as much as me. He was there for the katı not himself, and he told me if he had to go, then I had to go too. We could suffer together. Soon I looked forward to going to parties with him. It meant we sat close together and he would be free to talk to me about anything he wanted to. Most times it was the kids or asking if I liked the shirt he got me he can never buy himself something new without getting smarkin kids or now me something. He’s been buying all my clothes now. Caleh said he could do, but Cassius told him no. On rare occasions he’d look at the dance floor and look at thought he’d ask me to dance. He never has, but recently he picked up Dee and had his first dance with his daughter in front of the pack, and Luna Gra cried while Calch took a pir
