view of our restaurant table. It hit me like a
punch to the gut: Ethan’s public display of
affection wasn’t for me.
He’d practically sprinted away, but slowed as he
approached the woman, Lindsey. He said he
was on a date and to make it quick.
Lindsey looked heartbroken. “Even if I don’t
want to be your girlfriend, you don’t have to use
someone like this! How can you do this to the
people who care about you?”
Ethan paused. His silence felt like a verdict: I
was just someone.
Then, angrily, he said, “How do you know I can’t
actually fall for her?”
Lindsey laughed bitterly. “Don’t you know what
love feels like?” She grabbed his collar, pulled
him down, and kissed him — a hard, passionate
kiss. Ethan froze.
<
—
She pulled away. “Butterflies, racing heart –
that’s what it feels like. Ethan, even if I rejected
you, you shouldn’t use someone like this.”
- 4.
Hidden behind a pillar, I sobbed silently. I was a
pawn in his game, a tool to make Lindsey
jealous. He’d picked me up at the bar, saying
girls like me, all icy on the outside, were the
wildest behind closed doors. He’d bet I was
looking for a hookup, and I’d proved him right.
I watched them, like a voyeur, go from arguing
to kissing passionately. They were like
characters in a romance novel, and I was just
the disposable extra.
My heart ached. I knew I had to break up with
him. But the tightness in my chest, the Garrett-
grief, felt lighter. Maybe this was the detox the
doctor had mentioned.
<
0000
Ethan didn’t come home that night. The photo from our date had vanished from his social
media. We met again a few days later. He rushed in, hugged me, and kissed me like we hadn’t seen each other in years. He kept his eyes closed, as if savoring the taste, searching for those “butterflies” Lindsey had talked
about.
I pushed him away. He looked away, flustered
and guilty. The pain in my chest flared, then
subsided. This was working.
I might have been used, but I could use him
right back.
- 5.
I let Ethan do as he pleased. He flaunted our
relationship when he needed to provoke
Lindsey, then ignored me when she reacted. His
friends knew I was a stand–in, a lovesick puppy,
and they didn’t bother hiding their disdain
<
10:47
and they didn’t bother hiding their disdain.
Ethan would half–heartedly tell them to cut it
out.
444
He kept testing my limits, and when he realized I had none, he lost any remaining respect. I endured the humiliation, the betrayal, using the
pain to chip away at my obsession. Every time
Ethan, with Garrett’s face, treated me like dirt,
my attachment to Garrett lessened. The dream
came less often. The tightness in my chest
eased. I was getting better, even if it meant
degrading myself.
