10
I wasn’t awake much anymore. Every time I
opened my eyes, there was a bouquet of pink roses on my nightstand.
I stopped refusing Sean entry to my room, but I also stopped looking at him.
Nurse Chloe cried silently as she inserted my IV. I felt a pang of guilt. It wasn’t fair to this young, newly qualified nurse, to face death so early in
her career.
I squeezed her hand. “I have a gift for you.”
<
“I’ll tell you if you stop crying.”
She sniffled, her lip trembling. “I’m not crying! I’m not!”
I smiled. I could only give her this gift after I was gone.
Sean helped me bathe. I didn’t protest, just stared at him. “You’ve gotten ugly.”
He dropped the washcloth, his face panicked. “What do you mean? What’s wrong? I’ll fix it.”
I shook my head. “Don’t bother. No amount of fixing can turn you back into an eighteen–year- old.”
I whispered, “I still love that clean–cut, bright- eyed boy.”
Sean managed a weak smile and gently tucked the blanket around me.
<
“Sean, did you stop loving me because I’m not
eighteen anymore?”
I was genuinely curious, but he didn’t answer.
He turned his back to me and wept, his
shoulders shaking, as if he was about to
collapse.
Later that night, he held my IV line, caressing
my cheek. “Claire was always beautiful. The
most beautiful.”
Liar. Then why did you love someone else?
I ignored him, turning over and falling asleep.
After asking Nurse Chloe for extra pain meds
for the umpteenth time, the weather finally took
a turn for the warmer.
After a heavy snowfall.
Natalie came to visit carving a hasket of fruit
<
3:25
She looked around. “Where’s Sean?”
“Getting flowers.”
Natalie smiled and bundled me in a thick
blanket, then wheeled me outside.
We passed the nurses‘ station. I saw Nurse
Chloe and waved, but she looked down and
started crying.
I asked Natalie to fetch another blanket from
my room and waited for her.
“We didn’t finish the show!” Nurse Chloe said,
her eyes red–rimmed.
I smiled. “300 episodes! We watched 298
together!”
“But there are still two left!”
88
<
She wanted me to come back.
“Watch the last two yourself. You have to finish.
it, okay?”
I was telling her I was going to a new world.
I knew. This was what they called…a final rally.
Nurse Chloe started to speak again, but I waved my hand. “Nurse Chloe, you have to be happy,
okay?”
Such a kind soul. She had to live her life to the
fullest.
Natalie wheeled me downstairs and stopped in
a patch of warm sunlight.
The early spring sun felt good. I asked lazily, “Natalie, did you tell Sean I was out here?”
She hesitated. “Want some water?”
>
I smiled. “It’s okay. Really.”
“Josh is getting married, isn’t he?”
This time, she didn’t hesitate. “Yeah.”
“What do you think?”
Her gaze drifted into the distance, her voice
soft, like the whisper of the wind. “I don’t
know.”
I nodded, not pressing further.
“Nat,” I said suddenly, using her childhood
nickname.
Natalie stiffened, her eyes welling up.
“Nat, do you remember what we wished for
back in school?”
She gave a weak smile, thinking for a moment.
<
“I wanted to be a baker. We loved sweets back.
then. I wanted to make the most delicious
desserts, to make everyone who ate them
happy.”
Such a simple wish.
Natalie had been raised by a single mother.
People with similar backgrounds always
gravitated towards each other, seeking warmth
in shared experiences. We’d found comfort in
our friendship.
The winter snow melted under the warm spring
sun. Sean had been the brightest light in my
life.
“Claire! Claire! Claire!”
I turned to see Sean running towards us,
clutching a bouquet of pink roses, his face.
frantic. He leaned out the window, half his body
hanging out, calling my name. Watching him.
from afar I thought thie ie onough luet thic
3:26
from afar. I thought, this is enough. Just this one glance. This is enough.
“Let’s go back?” Natalie started to wheel me
away.
I stopped her, a mischievous glint in my eyes. “Nat, this is your punishment for telling Sean.”
You’ll have to send me off alone.
Tears streamed down Natalie’s face. I reached out to wipe them away, but my hand was too
weak.
“Nat, you know, this is what I wanted to see the
most,”
I gestured towards Sean. “Him caring about me,
looking after me, worrying about me, sweating
because he couldn’t find me.”
“From the day I met Sean until today, it’s been
8810
<
3:26
exactly half my life.” I leaned back, trying to get
comfortable.
Half a lifetime. Such a long time.
“The good, the bad…it all came from him. The
most sincere affections, the cruelest words, the
most unforgettable love.”
I closed my eyes, my voice choked with
emotion. “Nat, how did we…fall apart over a
man?”
Our initial dreams, our simple wishes, the easy
joy…how did we forget them all?
“Nat,” I took her hand, my voice weak. “Nat, I
wish we lived in a fairytale. If we faced
hardships, someone would come and save us.
H
“But they don’t, Nat. They don’t….
My tears fell, splashing against my palm. “Nat,
<
who will save us?”
“Only we can save ourselves…”
“Nat, I want you to be happy. You deserve…you.
deserve to be happy!”
We deserved to be happy.
Natalie’s lips trembled, her tears falling onto my
hand. “Claire…don’t go…Claire…don’t go…”
We were so used to being adults, we rarely
spoke like this anymore. Somewhere along the
way, we stopped speaking the language of
childhood.
But faced with death, everything could be
forgiven.
I watched her cry, but I didn’t have the strength
to comfort her..
<
“Nat, go do what you want.” Whatever it was, I wanted her to pursue her own happiness, even
if it meant staying with Josh and his unrequited
love.
“You have to…be happy.”
Be happy for me, too.
“Claire, Claire, wake up…is there anything…
anything you want to tell Sean…?” Natalie
sobbed beside me.
My consciousness faded, my soul felt empty. I
could only weakly shake my head.
What was there to say?
We’d said enough sweet nothings when we
were in love, enough pleas when he stopped
loving me, and enough cruel words when my
heart died.
What else could I possibly say to him?
Everything I needed to say to him, I’d already
said.
In the end, we had nothing left to say.
“Nat,” I managed a smile.
“It’s a sunny day.”
A warm, sunny day, just like I liked it.
The journey to the underworld wouldn’t be cold.
“Claire!” A desperate voice cried out. I looked.
up and saw a blurry figure, like Sean, holding.
pink roses.
He stumbled toward me, as if he’d run a
marathon.
In my hazy vision I caw a toonanie hoy in a blue
<
In my hazy vision, I saw a teenage boy in a blue
and white uniform running towards me,
clutching a bouquet of wildflowers he’d hastily
picked by the roadside.
His face was flushed, but his gaze was steady
as he met my eyes. “Claire, will you…be my
girlfriend? I promise! I’ll treat you right!”
I smiled, taking the flowers. “Okay. But you
can’t break your promise!”
Sean, you can’t…break your promise.
You broke your promise.
The tears I’d vowed never to shed rolled down
my cheeks.
Spring returned to the earth, but I slept on,
never to wake again.
Sean’s Epilogue
<
“You don’t want to see me, do you?”
The headstone didn’t answer. The woman in the
photograph only smiled. I missed her standing.
before me, yelling at me..
Even…even if she was smashing my apartment
to pieces with a baseball bat.
Too late now.
“You were so cruel. You didn’t even leave me a
single word.”
She hadn’t even let me see her one last time.
Just a pre–purchased cemetery plot.
“Nurse Chloe cried so hard. She said she’ll
never watch the last two episodes of that show.
She promised you she’d watch it with you.”
The poor girl had cried so much, her eyes were
swollen.
I arranged the bouquet of pink roses. “She
donated the money you left her. You always had good taste. Nurse Chloc is a good person. She said she’s in the business of saving lives, so the money should go to those who need it more.”
Except for loving me, your judgment was impeccable.
“Natalie and Josh broke up. Josh never got married. He stands outside her bakery every day, but she won’t see him.”
I knew Claire must have said something to Natalie, something she wouldn’t tell me.
“Claire, why don’t you visit me in my dreams?”
I reached out and touched the cold photograph.
“It’s my fault, isn’t it?”
Lopened a bottle of wine. “Claire, I blame
myself, too.”
“At first, it was just…new. New and exciting.
But how did we get so lost along the way that
we couldn’t find our way back?”
“Claire, I never wanted a divorce. You probably
don’t believe me, but I didn’t. I thought…”
I thought you’d always be there.
You were always behind me. I just had to turn
around, and you’d be there. How could you
leave?
I was greedy.
“Claire, you wouldn’t believe anything I said
now. It doesn’t matter. If you won’t come to me,
I’ll come to you. I forgot…my wish…”
“Was to have a home with you.”
“Claire, after you left, I truly had no one else.”
<
3:26
88
“You must think I’m pathetic. I do, too. How did
I have to lose everything to realize what I truly
wanted?”
I remembered something. “Claire, I was looking
for you.”
“I searched everywhere. You weren’t home, you
weren’t at the office. I panicked. I couldn’t find
you.”
“Then I found you… lying in a hospital bed.”
“I would’ve preferred you lying to me, yelling at
me, hitting me…anything but you being truly
sick.”
I wiped away my tears. “You’d probably call me
a hypocrite, crying like this.”
I thought for a moment. “I bought our house
back.”
“That house holds our memories. How could I
let someone else live there?”
“I bought that noodle shop behind the school,
too.”
“It was your favorite. Now…I’ll run it.”
“You’d probably yell at me. It’s okay. I dream of
you yelling at me.”
I remembered the pastries Natalie had given
- me. I quickly took them out and arranged them
on Claire’s grave.
“Natalie insisted I give these to you. I almost
forgot. She said these were her first batch, and
she promised to give them to you. Try them. If
they’re not good, yell at her in her dreams.”
“Claire, I miss you so much. Come to my
dreams, too, okay?”
<
I covered my eyes, thinking, you probably won’t.
Alright, then I’ll come to you.
Epilogue
After much deliberation, Natalie buried Sean’s
ashes next to Claire’s.
“It’s getting cold. Let’s go,” Josh said softly,
holding an umbrella over her.
“I thought…Sean would want to go alone.”
Josh’s eyes darkened. “The memories were too
heavy. He couldn’t let go.”
“Then why…why did he do all those things?”
Josh looked down. “Because he couldn’t see
clearly.”
Notolio adiunted bar noot and turned to loove
“Then why…why did he do all those things?”
Josh looked down. “Because he couldn’t see
clearly.”
Natalie adjusted her coat and turned to leave.
“I’ll walk you back to the bakery.”
She pointed to a figure standing under a tree.
“No, thank you. My husband is waiting for me.
You should go home. It’s cold.”
The memories were too heavy. Who could truly let go?
When you can’t see clearly, you’re destined to
miss what truly matters.
