9
The noodle shop had new owners. The old
owner was a cheerful, heavyset man. Now it
was a young couple.
They seemed nice enough, but I still missed the
old owner.
The food was different, too. They’d added new dishes.
I barely ate anything, and neither did Sean.
As we paid, the young woman stopped us. “Was everything alright? You didn’t seem to enjoy
your meal.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s just…”
It’s just that I preferred the old way.
The old food. The old him.
Things change. You can’t hold on to the past.
We walked back, fireworks exploding above us.
I looked at Sean’s face and thought, loved ones.
still have privileges.
“Make a wish. There are fireworks.”
I stopped, sniffing the air, and looked at him.
“Hurry up.”
Sean bent down, close to my face, his eyes
meeting mine. “If heaven can hear me, I wish I
could go back in time.”
I gave a weak smile. “Heaven heard you and
said, ‘Wishes spoken aloud don’t come true.“”
Heaven couldn’t hear. I’d made that wish a
thousand times already.
There’s no reversing time. There’s no going
back.
<
The mood was too perfect. I finally spoke. “I
didn’t make Chloe lose her baby.”
Sean’s face fell.
“I was angry that you hired her as my assistant,
but you were the one who was shameless. The
baby wasn’t even viable. I wouldn’t do that. Her
tactics were disgusting, and you actually
believed her!”
My anger flared. I refused to let him into my
room.
“You’re…disgusting!”
I slammed the door again, hoping it would
knock him out cold.
I could barely get out of bed anymore. The
doctor suggested surgery, explaining there were
risks, but it might give me a few more months.
That wasn’t exactly how he phrased it. but
that’s how I translated it.
I said no. Sean said yes.
I laughed at him. “You don’t get a say. You
don’t even have the right to sign my DNR.”
He started crying again. I looked away.
“We’re not together anymore.”
He couldn’t make decisions for me. No one could.
I still refused to let Sean into my room. He slept on the chair outside my door every night. Even Nurse Chloe tried to convince me to let him in.
I was shocked. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”
She chuckled. “I am. But you’ve been sneaking
I was the first to break.
}
I still wouldn’t let him in. I told Nurse Chloe, “It’s my last stand.”
At the end of my life, my only wish was to be
true to myself.
I couldn’t forgive him. It would feel like a
betrayal of myself.
Since Sean couldn’t come in, he started
sending flowers.
My favorite were white roses, and he sent a
huge bouquet every day.
I arranged them, chuckling to Natalie, “Bring
these to my funeral. I don’t like
chrysanthemums.”
Natalie hesitated, then agreed.
<
3:24
The next day, Sean sent pink roses. I thought,
see, Natalie is a liar.
A spy for the enemy!
But I didn’t say anything. I liked pink roses too.
I couldn’t sleep well at night. I kept seeing.
blurry figures sitting by my bed.
I wondered if I was hallucinating or if my
deceased family was coming to get me.
Then, one night, the figure took my hand and
said, “Claire, I was wrong.”
Oh, it was Sean.
His tears were as warm as his hand. Such a
cold person, yet he possessed such a burning warmth.
I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.
3:24
Telling him to leave was too tiring. Sleep was
more important.
88
He came to my bedside every night, whispering
nonsense.
“Claire, you don’t want me anymore.”
Mmm–hmm, I don’t..
“Claire, you’ve lost so much weight.”
Yeah, I’m sick..
“Claire, please forgive me. I’ve let everyone else go. I’ll come home every night. I’ll tell you I love
you every day, just like before.”
A lump formed in my throat. I opened my eyes.
and looked at him. “Sean, do you keep testing.
my limits because you know I’ll always give in?”
He fell silent
“Claire, I was wrong.”
“Wrong about what? Getting bored and finding
someone new? Feeling annoyed because
someone who was always there suddenly
wasn’t? Feeling guilty because you realized
she’s dying?”
“No…that’s not it!” Sean’s tears fell, his lips
trembling. He looked the same crying at 18 as
he did at 28.
“Sean, you stopped loving me a long time ago..
Stop lying to yourself.”
I struggled to sit up. “Even if I recovered right.
now and went home with you, you’d get bored
again soon. You thrive on novelty. If we were
together for another five, ten years, you’d
forget all this. There would be more young.
women, more…”
“I wouldn’t “His voice was too soft to hear
<
“I wouldn’t…” His voice was too soft to hear.
“You’d parade them in front of me, asking for a
divorce. They’d say they were scared, and you’d leave. They’d say they were sad, and you’d abandon me to comfort them. They’d say they were pregnant, then miscarry, and you’d automatically cast me as the villain, heaping blame on me.”
“Claire…”
I cut him off. “It’s fine. Really. I never wanted to tie you down. I was just afraid you wouldn’t see your own heart. How…how could you mistake guilt for love?”
Sean covered his face and sobbed, like a lost
puppy.
He wrapped his arms around my waist, his tears soaking my clothes. He kept repeating, “I love you, I love you, Claire, I do love you, Claire…”
<
“Liar.”
I knew what it looked like when Sean loved me.
Why was he still trying to fool me?
I looked up, thinking, I won’t shed another tear
for Sean. Not a single one.
