09
But, I’m a glutton for punishment.
Before ending it, I asked Mom.
“Mom, I got this pesticide, still sealed. Gonnal
drink it, end it all.”
She lay in her recliner, glanced at me, said,
“Go for it.”
The booze was making her sleepy.
She yawned.
Turned over, fell asleep.
I stared at the bottle, laughed bitterly.
What were you expecting, Ashley?
I poured the pesticide into a soda bottle, went
to the pond, a mile from town.
I wanted to go quietly, but someone was
there.
I knew that back.
Jessica.
Friend I’d made six months ago.
I froze, hiding the bottle.
Hearing me, she turned, panicked.
Her eyes, always smiling, now dead.
Г
I tensed.
She was here for the same reason.
I remembered how we met.
Mom had beaten me for something.
I ran, as far as I could.
To the pond, hiding in the reeds, crying.
A hand with a Starburst was in front of me.
I stopped crying, hiccuping.
She said, “Here, when things suck, eat
something sweet.”
Jessica’s smile was bright, like a crescent
moon.
Now? Two different people.
What happened?
If I’d come later, what would I have seen?
I was scared.
I changed my mind.
I didn’t want to die.
I didn’t want Jessica to die.
I stood next to her, casual, “Jessica, I did
something crazy today, opened a bottle of
pesticide in front of Mom.”
“You know what she said? ‘Drink it,’ all
casual.”
“Jessica, I get it now, Mom doesn’t care if I
live or die.”
“Truth is, I’m scared.”
I glanced at her.
“I’m thirteen. Who’d be sad if I died? Would
anyone be sorry they hurt me?
“If not, who am I hurting?
“So, I’m not dying!”
She was quiet, but her eyelashes were
trembling.
Г
“What about you, what are you doing here?”
Still silent.
Just the birds by the pond.
I thought she wouldn’t answer.
Then, a low voice.
She’d been crying.
“Same, Ashley. Mom said, ‘You wanna die?
Okay, I’ll get life insurance. Then your brother
can go to school, buy a house, get married.“”
She tried to smile, like usual, but it was worse
than crying.
<
Alcal 1011.
“I never wanted her to treat me like my
brother, but…”
I teared up, patted her shoulder.
Like she did for me.
She burst into tears, hugging me.
I cried, too.
Years of pain, pretending, the walls I built up,
fell.
Finally, crying, we laughed.
That year, thirteen, we cheated death.
