I took out the college application after going
back home.
I didn’t know where I should go and wanted to
ask my parents.
Not anymore.
I filled in a place far away from home.
A place where I would never return.
03
Dad wasn’t joking, he really didn’t give me the
$20,000 isn’t much.
Tommy spends more than that on a single
vacation.
But for a young woman, it was a lot of
money.
My grandpa gave me the money, and I worked
two months during summer to earn a few
thousand for living expenses.
Dad was unhappy and said he wanted me to
be independent.
He only wanted me to be independent.
The day I left, Mom took out $2,000.
“Take this to school!!
<
“Take this to school.”
It was my first time getting this treatment.
But I still smiled and shook my head as I said,
“Give me the ledger. I want to look at it.”
She looked uneasy.
“You treat us like strangers. You can pay
later.”
Dad laughed and praised, “You’re grown and
know it’s hard for us. Don’t worry, pay it back
after you get a job. I don’t want the interest.”
I said, “I want to pay you back as soon as
possible.”
I wanted to pay them back to end our
L
Mom hesitated before taking out the
notebook from her room.
After almost twenty years, the notebook had
turned yellow and was worn out.
The last entry was $2,000, the money she just
gave me.
I thought this rare moment of motherly love
was just a transaction.
I didn’t spend much money over the years
because I wore my older cousin’s clothes.
The expenses were mostly for tuition, living,
and the hospital bill.
The total was $97,800.
<
I will pay them back $200,000 with interest.
Then, I won’t have parents or a home.
I packed my bags and left with the ledger.
I thought I could break free, but I
underestimated myself.
Everyone went home during the New Year,
and I was alone.
I was lonely and wanted to go home.
Even if they didn’t need me and I was there to
do chores, it was still better than being alone.
L
I called Mom.
The phone rang for a while.
“Mom.”
Mom was loud and said, “Huh?”
“Mom, I want to go home.”
Mom paused, and her voice was awkward.
“Tommy’s back, and we’re in Hainan for the
New Year.
“…Do you want to come?”
She said we’re a family.
Then what am I?
<
“Mom! Hurry up!”
I heard Tommy yelling, and Mom said, “Go to
your grandma’s house. It’s hard to add
people, I’m hanging up!”
I sat numbly in the dark with the phone
ringing.
It was cold in the dorm, and I didn’t feel
anything.
I took out the ledger and read it.
On New Year’s Eve in 2018, I read the ledger
all night.
